About Ephemera Inc.
Founded in 1980 in San Francisco, CA
Now located in Phoenix, Oregon (population 4,060)
Home of Tami Farrell (Miss Teen USA 2003)
Jason - Face
Face is a mild mannered hip-hop producer / underground rapper by night, but by day his wild and uncontrollable alter ego emerges to wreak havoc upon unsuspecting cubicle drones and maintenance workers alike. His vast array of super powers includes immense strength, blinding speed and agility, and the ability to become invisible at will. His co-workers often find him huddled in a corner fast asleep, dreaming about pulling buttons or greasing the cogs, or gorging himself on a blended up mixture of Almond Joy bars and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to maintain his super human capabilities.
Ed Polish - Head Cheese
Ed owns Ephemera, Inc. and all employed there. Ed has vivid false memories of Satanic rituals at day care, alien probes, and being a spoiled and miserable child star.
Sherry - Birkenstock Queen
Sherry was hired on in 2001 as our noble bookkeeper. She has many homespun anecdotes from her life as a concessionaire during the Civil War and has insightful musing about plaid, which we find both confusing and enlightening. She keeps a firm philosophy of “Eat, Play and Wheeze” and works feverishly to save up for her dream vacation to Tijuana. Lately she has developed a disturbing obsession with geriatric vampires and keeps a stash of tofu puffs and celery sticks, that she doesn’t bother to hide, on her desk … not that she really needs to.
Kim - Drunken Fairy Princess
Kim has been refusing to leave Ephemera for over a decade now. Sooner or later we fear she may figure out how to use the lock on the door and escape. We feed her scraps of food left behind in the refrigerator and keep her busy during the evenings by hiding them under the piles of paper on her desk. She will also sleep-walk and answer the phone for a few hours before waking. We have her trained well. During working hours she makes sure our Reps stay in line by using a work model of “Give a lot of shit, take a lot of shit”.
Jenn - Reagan's Love Child
Jenn began working here just a few years ago, with little or no qualifications to be doing the job she was assigned to; she hasn’t improved much since. We often find her asleep on the couch in the back or using the work printer to print out up-to-date photos of Bea Arthur. The rest of her time at work is spent doing damned customer service and correcting her own mistakes. She is 5’ 6” of pure incompetence, and is only kept around due to her great taste in movies and as a barometer for youth culture. She has a paralyzing fear of squirrels, crock pots and casserole dishes, but has been known to collect recipes including one or all three of them and pasting them up in her kitchen like some trailer park serial killer. (She also collects Trailer Park Serial Killer trading cards).
Betty - Ms. Jolly
She has been slaving away in the Ephemera Stock Room since 2002. With no strange ailments or disfigurements, we are not sure what keeps her here. In the midst of the coffee-filled zombies that surround her, she often skips by munching granola bars and sipping down techno-colored smoothies. With a shiny attitude and sickeningly bright outlook, we all have begrudgingly begun to smile at each other as a result of her constant ideas of “Live, Love and Laugh”. She is a little sparkly nugget of normal in a gigantic sea of strange.
Monica - Tramp
Here since 2001, Monica started out as an order puller and now finds herself taking care of the retail side of things (which means basically, pulling orders) and keeping other order pullers in line (You can call her supervior Tramp). She’s a whiz at invoicing and spends most of the day parked behind her state-of-the-art Mac G4 that has probably been here as long as her. We are pretty sure she eats printer toner, supplemented by gum, and makes some of the best white-out art we have seen. Though a bit freaky at times, she gets the job done and keeps the mostly positive attitude that “for the most part, life sucks, so try to live for the good times”.
Employee's name blocked - Will further be known as "Ian"
Having worked here for only a short time is our zombie fighting weapon/super solider, dubbed “Ian”. So far we have discovered that he is much more related to a Barbie than an actual “Zombie Fighting Super Weapon of Doom”. He comes with a variety of brightly colored gimp outfits and is fully poseable (the latter has been tested – turns out he is actually quite flexible). He has an impressively large bladder, but suspiciously has two, liquid filled jars on his desk. One he claims is Orphan Souls, the other, Holy Water. We are still unclear as to whether one or both is some sort of euphemism. Due to his shocking ability to multiply we have been unable to keep him occupied with pulling orders alone and wish to warn you that if you see him wondering about (with or without his pants) to please contact us IMMEDIATELY. Do not engage and definitely do not approach with Maraschino cherries.
Alex & Dimitri - SUPERvisor Alex and Dammit Dimitri
Identical twins, they often fight over who is the most handsome (ever since Alex’s coat separated into two colors, this has become much more heated). Alex spends his days swimming through packing peanuts to stay fit, and supervising the shipping division. Dimitri spends his days nursing a string addiction, grooming his nether regions and keeping a steady diet of shoe rubber. While Alex has a penchant for sitting on buttons, we are fairly positive Dimitri is actually attempting to kill one or more employees via tripping. Both would like long walks on the beach and chasing down seagulls if given the opportunity.